Why I Won’t Be Angry About Not Being Pregnant, Yet.

“1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy.” (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC)

I always found those stories fascinating about couples who struggled to conceive for years who ended up pregnant naturally after they finally “stopped trying”, adopted, or got pregnant with assistance and accepted the probability of having only one child. Or how about the woman who couldn’t get pregnant for years with man A, and then gets pregnant by man B within the first 3 months?! What changed? It’s more than just irony. Something shifted within them – emotionally, mentally, or energetically. It’s also always amazed me that anyone can get pregnant, period. The actual biological process is a miracle within itself. Sciences says our bodies must perfectly time our hormones, eggs, sperm, organs, etc. It’s mind blowing to me that any of us have ever been conceived, but it happens all the time and has happened since the beginning of time.

My partner and I have been actively trying to conceive for about a year and a half now. We’ve had six failed IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) between the two of us, four from me alone, and I have been the designated carrier for our next perfectly timed miracle. I’m sitting on my back deck over-looking our pool, luscious greenery, and listening to the river about fifty yards from where I’m sitting allowing joy, gratitude, and peace to fill my heart. It has cost us a significant amount of money and been a bit of an emotional dance. But I am not angry. I am convinced there are emotional, spiritual, energetic, and mental components far beyond what our human minds can understand – including our fertility doctor. Getting angry is the worst thing I can do; it’s the worst thing any of us wanting a baby can do. So is judging someone else’s ability or worthiness to be or not be a parent, withholding happiness from those who do get pregnant, or hyper-focusing on our own efforts of getting pregnant. All these things can  create energetic barriers that make it even more difficult to conceive. Doing any or all of these things only constricts the energy we are needing to open and welcome the beginnings of our new baby. These negative thought patterns keep away the very thing I am looking to attract. And I won’t do it.

I believe it’s coming, they’re coming. He, she, they… whomever decides to join us and expand our family will come. It’s not an overly optimistic, wishing with clenched fists, trying to force it into being energy, but instead a quiet nod – an understanding, a peaceful and confident knowing. I have wanted a big family since I was young; I always said four kids was the perfect amount. While I wait, I will spend time becoming more in-tune with my body, changing my diet, nurturing myself more, and preparing myself on all levels to be the best mother I can be. My four-year old stepdaughter has already transformed my heart and has inspired me to be more patient, understanding, and loving more than anyone ever has. A child opens your heart like no other. I imagine the souls of our next children are doing the same from the other side, wherever they are before they come to be with us here on earth, preparing me in some way. I believe, most likely, they are reminding me to take care of myself, forgive myself, be patient, trust, let go of fear, anxiety, and anything that doesn’t bring joy and goodness to the here and now. Because this is all that matters anyway, this moment, this life, right now.

This journey of conceiving has not been without tears or disappointments.  I type this sitting on my deck on a sunny June evening in my bathing suit. Smack dab in the middle of the much needed break we took from “trying to conceive.” I just wanted the summer off. Three back to back rounds of fertility medications and failed IUI’s left me tired. There’s beauty in letting go and allowing. There’s receptivity there, too. I currently feel better than I’ve ever felt through this whole process. I’m grateful for what is and open to what will be.

With Grace & Gratitude…

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